70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Randomize
