i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I'm like, not good at living.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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