I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
