well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
