I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
