Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
