so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize