I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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