Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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