ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
