took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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