It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
The feeling are messing with the penis
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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