My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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