Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
then he tried to convert me to islam
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
