Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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