If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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