Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize