Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
