We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
