I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
