If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I have so many feelings about this burrito
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
