You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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