Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
