mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Randomize
