the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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