Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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