Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
