Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
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