Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
