I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
