That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
