Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
