If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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