If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
