o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
