so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
