You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
