he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
The air was thick with penises
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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