i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
