dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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