Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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