your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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