Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
