theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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