I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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