I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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