So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
How does one acquire holy water?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
