you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
