I hate all girls vehemently.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize