literally had 100 drinks last night.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
