About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
May the power of my ass compel you!!
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
