I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
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