Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
It's blow job season.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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