and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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