you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
