they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I just blew my weed a kiss
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
