you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
