I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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