how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
me + whiskey = a bad person
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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