im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
