I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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