hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
the condom got lost in my hair
Why is your signature on my underwear?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
